Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
