next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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