So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
