My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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