thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
