i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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