Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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