fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
