I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
