update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
