anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
