My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets