True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm too high and old for this...