Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.