Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Randomize
