I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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