Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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