why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
