If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize