I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
