Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
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I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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