ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
