half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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