What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
