Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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