Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
