Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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