Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
