I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
