so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
