I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
