I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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