Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
