Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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