I heard we made out
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
