My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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