i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
