I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
