I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
