i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
