The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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