trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
