Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
