Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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