She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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