Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
