If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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