can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
