I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
