Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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