Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
