it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
