You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
