I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'