I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.