you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b