Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
