When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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