i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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