i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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