When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
