I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
